This website was last updated on: 07/26/2010

For When I am Weak

 Then I am Strong

Martinez

The Daffodils

Each year in the Skagit Valley in the Northwest there is a portion of land that is painted by tulips, iris, and daffodils. The Skagit Valley tradition began in 1906 with a few tulips bulbs from Holland and has steadily grown each year until now there are over 700 acres planted.

We wanted to see tulips, but they were not blooming yet. Instead, there were bright, yellow daffodils. I didn't know this was the last time that she would see the flowers. I didn't know that it was the last time that I would kiss her in a field so full of yellow that it stretched for what seemed like miles. She was sitting in the van, staring at the daffodils as we drove up to the field, I was wondering why she was so quiet, was it the pain? She never really complained much about pain, but then she started to moan and asked, "Where are my pain meds?" I looked in the bag that I had hurriedly prepared as we left a house with two excited small kids running around. We were caravanning with another family as well and they were in the midst of all of the confusion.

My heart pounded as I reached in the bag for the pain meds and they were not there. I held my tears back as I told her that I had forgotten the pain meds. My head had been filled with the details of getting ready for the 20 mile road trip, coats, camera batteries, lunch, water, wash cloths, towels, emesis basin, pain meds. Now, I had forgotten the most important one. DAMN. My heart was torn as I felt so stupid and so helpless.

She grabbed her stomach as the obstruction from her ovarian cancer made the pain even worse. Then, she just raised her voice a little and said, "I wish we had not done this, take me to a bathroom and I will get rid of the pressure." I got her in the van and drove about 3 miles to a bathroom and walked her into the ladies room. Then she said, "Can you wait outside now? I can do the rest by myself."

We left after a few minutes and we headed back to the yellow ocean and slowly walked between the rows and rows of neatly planted daffodils. I held her tightly, as tightly as I possibly could without hurting her. I wanted her to grab me tighter, because I couldn't feel her grip on my arm very well. I did not want her to be angry with me, I was already angry with myself. She was not very strong at this point. I wanted her to get stronger. I wanted her to HEAL.

After about 30 minutes, it was time to go as she told me that the pain was getting hard to handle. I left the kids with the other family and the two of us headed home. On the road back we passed next to a field of daffodils and I asked if I could pull over so that I could get a picture of her with the daffodils in the background. She was happy that I had asked. It was then that I noticed how bright the yellow daffodils with their orange centers bouncing in the wind could be. It was also then that I noticed the love in my wife's smile. I told her how not even a field of God's prettiest flowers could compare to her smile and it made her smile ever wider. I asked her about her pain and she just smiled and said, "take my picture."

I took as many pictures of her smile, as fast as the camera and the battery in the camera would allow.

I didn't know that she in three days she would be gone from this earth, but I had etched her smile in my heart and felt her love in my soul.

Two weeks after she passed away, my girls and I were driving to the grocery store and talking about how many times we had made this trip to the store. Our family was going to be different now because now our "MOM" was in heaven, but that we would still be a family of 4. It was then that I felt her kissing me. I felt her pressing on my lips, I smelled her and I wanted so very much to close my eyes and just embrace her, but I was driving and I stared at the road ahead for a many moments. I was nervous, was this real ... and how long would it last. I told that girls that "MOM" was kissing me and they just remained silent. "Can you feel her?" I asked. "No" came their reply, almost in unison.

I felt so warm, I felt so happy and so, I kissed her as I was driving. I had driven about a 1/2 mile kissing her with my eyes open when a car pulled out in front of me and I had to make a sudden stop. Then she was gone again, back to God. He wanted her again and he was more powerful than I am. I had just felt her presence and it made me feel just as I had felt when I kissed her in the daffodil field a few weeks before.

I knew that I loved her forever, and that she forever, loved me.

CHAPTER I

Dana Sue Bechtold was the strongest of women. She had a beautiful spirit and could turn many heads when she walked down the street. You could see her strength in her eyes and when you talked to her, you could hear it, not just in her voice, but, in the nurturing words that she spoke. Her strength was something that her friends and family came to rely upon and it made it hard for her when she was not feeling well, but she knew what others expected. How badly she felt was not really all that obvious because she didn’t complain about pain.

            The Journey was not an easy one for her, but she never did anything because it was easy. She vomited a lot during this journey. Ever since she had a bowel obstruction she vomited, many times a day … God, she was strong. It was uncomfortable for people to see  her when she vomited, mostly because they wanted to help.  She didn’t complain about most things except not being about to find a cure for her cancer and even then, it wasn’t like she was complaining, it was more that she was giving out information that she did not like. She just kept moving in as many directions as her strength allowed. Seeing her vomit, then calmly go to the sink and brush her teeth, then rinse out her mouth and then go back to bed in prayer always made me humble. I would go over and talk to her and wait for that look in her eyes to return. What look? It was her look; the look that said, "I will continue", the look that said, "I want to survive", the look that even said, "Bring it On!"

            She started her Journey to God on July 17th, 2001. We had just moved to Lynnwood, Washington from Kirkwood, Missouri in March of that same year. I got a job at  a Immunex working in the Process Development Facility. She went in for what was supposed to be a routine yearly physical. She went to  an  ObGyn who had been recommended to her and  when she called me and told me that we both had a follow-up appointment, I knew something was wrong. I had no idea of how wrong things actually were. Dr. Dickey sat us both down and with tears in her eyes told us that Dana had a mass in her left ovary. She said that it was cancer, ovarian cancer most likely, and it was severe. On that day, we decided that we were going to fight this disease as a team and that we were going to win.

          When I first approached her about the possibility of a job in Washington I felt sure that she would never agree. I was so very much surprised when she said, "OK, let's look into it."
            She had two friends with whom she had gone to Washington University where they all received their Occupational Therapy degrees.  Angie and Sonya. They were close at one time and had moved to Seattle with their families after college. Maybe she felt it was time to reconnect with them, maybe she felt it was time to leave St. Louis, or maybe God was calling on us to go. It seemed that as each obstacle appeared, it was soon overcome.

             We almost didn't make it to Washington. There was an earthquake on February 28th,  2001.  It was to be known as the Nisqually Earthquake and it hit 17.6 km NE of Olympia, Washington. It had a magnitude of  6.8 on the Richter scale. An earthquake of magnitude 1 releases about as much energy as that generated by one pound of TNT (trinitrotoluene). Each number on the scale represents an increase in energy release of  30 times the previous number. So, a quake of magnitude 6.8 has the explosion force of about 583,200,000 lbs. of TNT. Damage from this earthquake was estimated at $2 billion.

            While we were still in St. Louis, and we had all of our furniture packed but just before the mover was to come to pick up the furniture, we heard a new report about an earthquake in the Seattle area. The house that were living in was not rented, but we had signed with an agency who was going to manage the house rental for us. We were in the semi-empty house when we heard about the quake. I started to worry that I had made the wrong decision and that my wife and family were not going to be safe in the "shaky" Northwest. We talked it over and waited for a clear sign that we should not leave. After many discussions with Dana, we went forward with our decision and we never looked back.  The Northwest's rain, coffee, cool temperatures, a new job, a stay at home mom, all beckoned.

          I later realized that Dana wanted to move so that she could quit her job and stay home with our two girls and so that I could work at a job that allowed me to be at home most of the time. It was a tough decision for her to make, but it was a good one for her and the girls. Should she give up her hard earned career or should she invest her time in her family? She often asked that question.  I often wondered why she couldn't have just quit her job in at St. Louis University Hospital and stay home in St. Louis?  She wanted to move, but she kept her reasons to herself. The last few years in St. Louis were not easy for her because she was working full time and managing a house and two kids while I was away working. She was an Occupational Therapist before we got married and maintained her profession throughout. She worked at St. Louis University Hospital for 12 years and never called in sick or missed work because she just didn’t want to go, missing work just wasn’t an option for her.  I used to tell her that she needed to take a day off to make things easier for her, especially when I was gone out of town. It would have made it easier for her to take care of the house and the kids, but she never wanted to do something just because it was easier. She never and I mean never called in sick. ZERO, NONE,  NADA, NOT ONCE in all the time that I knew her. She just didn’t do it! To me, it was strange that she was that dedicated to her job, to the point that she would make arrangements for someone to take care of the kids so that she could go to work. It was great to see total dedication, but I always felt that it was misplaced. I did not feel that she had to work, I thought that she could stay at home and take care of the girls.

         After St. Louis University hospital was bought out by a big hospital, it became clearer to Dana what I had wanted to explain. Her work was not as enjoyable as it had been when they started asking her to be accountable for her time in 15 minute increments. It just seemed unprofessional to her, and it took a lot of the satisfaction out of her job. She felt more like a corporate commodity rather than someone who genuinely helped people. Even her friends at work had to change their working relationships. They had all been good friends and were very close, then they had to become something else, corporate employees. They were still friends, but they were no longer allowed to make decisions about patient care that they had been used to making. The decisions were being made by people in higher levels of the corporate environment, and that usually meant the decisions were based on maximizing profit. Patients it seemed had a number two priority.

          She was torn, I later realized, torn between her life as a professional Occupation Therapist which she had been doing for most of her adult life and being a mother. She had had to work so hard not only to get her education but to get the motivation and support that she wanted and needed.

           Dana worked hard to get her education. She started to work from the time she was in high school, through college and when we were married she continued to work. She grew up in Alton, Illinois which is across the Mississippi River from St. Louis, Missouri. Both of her parents worked long hours and she was raised for the most part by her Grandmother, Melba.   

          She loved both of our girls very much and she had a hard time with her pregnancies with both of them. Preterm labor was the condition that caused her to take off of work so that the girls could be born healthy. She wanted to give them every opportunity she could for a good life. She had to wear a monitor during the last three months of each of her pregnancies and each day she would call in the results. She couldn’t lift anything heavy or do anything that was strenuous because that might induce labor and the baby would not be fully developed or have all of the immunities that they would need.  I often thought that if it were not for the advances in medical technology that I would not have my daughters or my wife. It’s a bit ironic that medical technology was not able to cure her ovarian cancer, as she believed in it. But, it gave us some time. Although, not nearly enough time ...

When the time came that she died, it was something that I did not really expect nor wanted. It was one of those unexpected, expected events. I always felt that she would somehow be granted a miracle. That some new obscure drug would be introduced just at the right time and she would get a hold of it and it would cure her. I was determined to maintain my optimism, until the very last second. I especially prayed that she would be divinely cured. I prayed that God would cure her. I prayed that his infinite plan  would include healing for her so that one morning, she would wake up and the disease would be gone. It could have happened, but it just wasn't supposed to.

She had a great attitude, she had an awesome support group, two daughters who adored her and prayed for her healing everyday. Also, she had me. I worked hard to give her the tools she needed and make it easier for her to live, so that she could have time to study the latest treatments, such as, Avastin, Ontak and Velcade. She did an incredible job establishing contacts, assembling information and distributing it to her internet friends. Soon, she started DANA'S LIST. It was an email exchange of treatment, advice, and hope. It was also FAST. When someone in Massachusetts had a treatment with a new targeted therapy drug the results for that treatment were usually posted within hours of that person knowing the results and that meant the severity of the side affects that usually are written in very small lettering on a very small label. Doctors were always amazed at how current Dana's medical knowledge base was. She had worked with doctors much of her career so she knew that language (MEDSPEAK) and was not intimidated by any of it. She had all of the ingredients necessary to survive her cancer ... except one.

Dana was a fighter who was scared, but only sometimes. The idea of dying was something that she kept to herself mostly. Her philosophy for handling the disease was to keep moving in as many directions as her strength would allow and when she was not strong enough, she would enlist the help of others. She made a lot of friends and she made them very quickly. At home, she was strong, as well, and her way was usually the way that things got done. I wanted to have things my way may times, but I usually gave in because I figured that I was going to pick my battles and the battle that I wanted to win was the BIG one. I figured that after she was cured, things would change. I would see to it that they would. Things have changed, but, not in the way that I would have liked, not at all.

One day Dana decided that she was going to take a Qigong class. She was able to drive pretty well, so she and her friend Donald, who had Lou Gehrig's disease, started taking the class. She would come back from the class at peace. The peace lasted for many days and the only thing that caused her to get riled up again was her blockage. She feared that this meant that the cancer was growing and she was right, as it turned out. The time that she spent with Donald was uplifting and healing to her ... and to Donald. It was difficult to understand at the time it was happening how quickly cancer proliferates. It grows exponentially ... one cell, then two, the two become four ... then eight, sixteen, thirty-two ... as the blood supplies to the cancer proliferate the rate of these replications increases and the time between doubling gets shorter and short. These wicked, evil, vicious, nasty cells that have gone haywire have only one mission ... to thrive. Their only mission is to thrive at the expense of every living thing around them and as fast as they possibly can. We never understood what could have caused her ovary calls to go haywire, we could only surmise from all of the data that we mined ... charcoaled meat, copper from the water pipes, exposure to tobacco smoke, various chemical exposures in the lab. It could have been anything. We really didn't care after a while, because it was after all, more important to find a cure.

CHAPTER V

Dana began writing these emails to her Friends and Family right after she was diagnosed with STAGE IV Ovarian Cancer. I set up the computer for her and usually read them after she wrote them.

She said that they allowed her to stay connected and the support that she received was wonderful. She was given many words that showed concern, hope, encouragement and technical support. The blessed thing was that when she needed hope, someone offered hope. When she needed technical support, her friends, many of whom she knew only threw the internet, would send her some new piece of knowledge or hope. This was the mechanism that she used to fuel the fight.

They are the chronicles that Dana left, the guideposts that she left to mark her path and ultimately the messages that she left for me and the girls, so that we could go on with her is our hearts.

Here they are ... compiled into the same document.

UPDATE 1

My Dearest Friends and Family,

    I wish to apologize for sending an email to inform you of my grave news but wanted to get the word out as quickly as possible. It seems that my routine physical has turned up multiple masses in my abdomen which are highly suspicious of ovarian cancer. I have cystic masses around both ovaries and several dense masses behind the uterus. The uterus at this point seems to be OK. I have three low density liver lesions near the capsule and a capsular lesion of the spleen. It is unsure as to whether there is lymphatic involvement at this point. My white blood count is fine and I feel fine. The only symptom I have had is pain with bowel movements and some abdominal tenderness when the kids kick me or jump on my belly and I didn't think that was unusual since they aren't exactly gentle. All of this information and tests have unfolded in the past week.

   I have had pelvic and transvaginal ultrasound, CT scan with contrast and a colonoscopy which did rule out colon cancer. So thank God I finally got some good news. At this point, there are no more tests. I have an appointment with a gynecologist oncologist to plan a surgery and remove my ovaries and anything else that looks bad. My appointment is Aug 3rd with probable surgery the following week as the guy goes on a 3 week vacation the 10th.   We have had the fortune of Ron's niece, Leticia, here while all of this was unfolding to care for Abby (5) and Jenny (3) and she has agreed to stay until she has to start school. I am very frightened as to what my future holds and I ask for all of you to remember me in your prayers and if possible to ask your churches and synagogues to remember me as well.

      At this point, I need all the prayers I can get.  I welcome any information that any of you may have on treatments, explanations to what everything means or expectations of recovery. I know from working in a hospital that abdominal surgery is not fun and will be a lengthy and difficult recovery. I just don't know how long and what we are going to do with the kids. Ron has been great and will continue to be my Rock.   There is still a possibility that this could be a bad case of endometriosis of the ovaries but I don't know what the spots on the liver and spleen would be. However the worst case scenario is Stage III ovarian cancer with mets to the liver and spleen.  

       I am hopeful that things will work out as I am not ready to leave. I believe in fate and that God has a plan. I am his pawn and will have to play out my role. I know that as my friends and family you will all pray for me and that the things that happen are meant to be. I will keep you informed of my progress and recovery as often as I can. In case I haven't said it lately, I love you all!  Some may think it unfortunate that we are now so far away from family and friends have found it. I have also had the ability to not work and spend full time with my kids. The other blessing I see is that Ron now holds our insurance policy so we will continue to have coverage while I get treatment. It is true that we are so far away from a support system and I am hoping that I can coordinate visitors as often as we need them.

I just don't know what to expect at this point and will have to play things by ear.

Thanks again for remembering me in your prayers. Love, Dana

SEMI-UPDATE 2

Dear Family and Friends,

I went to get an ultrasound guided liver biopsy today and they could not visualize anything worth risking the biopsy for. The radiologist said that the cyst that is on my spleen looks like it may be benign but he doesn’t know for sure. I will now go again on Monday and see if they can do the biopsy by CT imaging. The benefit of ultrasound is that you are working in real time and not sticking me, imaging me and hoping nothing moved.

The radiologist said that the images from ultrasound and CT are different, so that what is showing up on the CT image has a chance of being an accumulation of fat cells around a ligament that goes through the liver. So… I am taking this as good news and that the multitude of prayers I have been receiving from all of you has been helping. Please keep up the good work. One of my friends sent a wonderful message stating “that a crisis is about the love and not the struggle”. I have found out first hand how much love each of you have for me and I am very proud and honored. I am hanging in there and continue to be positive.

Has anyone heard anything about the new proton therapy??

Thanks for the support

Love Dana

UPDATE 2

Hello Gang, Another week has gone by and still no definitive word on my condition. My blood tests for pancreas, colon and lung cancer were normal. We can rule out my digestive system as having a problem. This is good news.

My chest CT showed a 5 mm nodule on my pleural wall (lung sac) and some slightly enlarged lymph nodes but nothing (tentative. As I report earlier, the ultrasound could not distinguish a liver mass worthy of biopsy except up under my diaphragm and that would be too risky to attempt. My CT guided liver biopsy will be attempted on Monday. I had an ovarian biopsy taken today.

Conclusion--this is not the usual case of anything. It still could be a peculiar case of endometriosis, ovarian cancer or lymphoma with the liver and spleen being totally unrelated. As long as it is definitively not cancer, I am still hopeful. Each week they tell me we will know something and each week we need more tests. I really don’t mind the tests.

It is so funny but hospital people look so alike. I must have seen at least 5 people who looked like people I know at St. Louis University Hospital. Keep up on the prayers and thanks for your concern and support.

UPDATE 3

Friday, August 17, 2001 6:04 PM

Dear Friends and Family,

  Here is the news that I did not want to get or give. The tests have come back for ovarian cancer-papillary serous carcinoma. I am not sure what this means exactly but is usually found in post menopausal women, with a history of cancer in their family or use of fertility drugs. None of these apply to me--yet here I am. The liver biopsy was normal so this doctor said they must have missed it--It is so interesting that they always assume the worst and so if it is not bad---the test was wrong.

  Where we go--the course now is to meet with another cancer doctor next week who will organize the chemotherapy--they have to place a portacath--access line for application of the drugs. The chemo will be one day every three weeks for 3 weeks. I should more about the side effects after my meeting next week and the dates we will begin. The drugs should be Taxol and Carboplatin. I am expecting the usual nausea, bone marrow suppression and hair loss that normally accompanies chemo. I am told to expect to feel like crap for 3 days following chemo and then perk up. After 3 courses of chemo the plan is to do the surgery with an expected hospital stay of 3-5 days but not feeling like I want to get up and move around for 3-4 weeks. I guess the hospitalization is just for the people on the verge of death--so once you are past that--you are on your own. That is OK with me---I have worked in a hospital--and believe you are safer from infections at home.

  The neighbors have been wonderfully supportive. I hope to use them on the chemo days for transportation, child care and meals and perhaps have family and friends come when I have the surgery. I had considered going to St. Louis for the surgery but don't know who I would get for the surgery and don't want any more delays. I will keep my options open and make no final plans until we get more into this.

  There is still a chance I don't have a choice. I have been developing a sharp pain in my left side after meals and lasting for 6+hours so I don't know what this means. Right now I am officially between doctors and no one wants to deal with me and I don't want to go to the ER. It is bearable.

  For those of you who are local--I am taking suggestions for naturopaths in the Lynnwood area with experience in Ovarian Cancer. For those of you not experienced with Naturopaths they can help keep you stay healthy and feeling as good as much as possible while you are getting treatments.

   Looking at the calendar--things should all play out for October-November to be finishing up. Once again, I will keep you posted.

  I have been most pleased with the amount of people who have offered their support and prayers. I am staying focused on the fact that "it is about the love" and "not the crisis". Yes ....I am stressed, frightened, over-whelmed and all those other mixed up feelings but am comforted by the presence of God with me and the love of my family and friends. The doctor said that this was curable and I am a strong, stubborn person who tends to rise to occasion of any fight. With your prayers, I will receive the strength and courage that I need. Thanks again... I love you all.

Dana 

UPDATE 4

Thursday, August 23, 2001 8:25 AM

Dear Family and Friends,

   I will begin chemo tomorrow (Fri). Finally a met a doctor that I like. The plan is for 3 cycles of chemo (Taxol and Carboplatin) like I discussed earlier, then surgery to debulk and then the final 3 treatments of chemo. We will monitor my CA-125 test, red and white blood cell values.  They do a pre-treatment of drugs to lessen the side effects of the chemo for nausea. I will lose my hair by the second round of drugs if not before...so have an appt today for a short hair cut. I need to be careful of getting infections.

   The doctor said the pain in my side is related to the tumor and I should feel better soon after the first dose. He hopes that my CA-125 test return to normal levels if the tumor responds to the drugs even after 3 treatments. This drug combination is only really effective the first time you give it and then the tumor seems to build some resistance against it. So we are hoping that all of the tumor will be dead by the time we are ready to do surgery.

  I will find out soon how I am physically affected by these drugs. Abby starts school in a few weeks and we are looking into daycare for Jenny. I will keep in touch.

  Thanks for all your prayers and I am still thinking of you and all the support you have already given.  Love Dana

Dana never sent this one ... I am adding it now because it describes how she lived her life once she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I don't know why she did not send it ...

Dearest Friends,
       Many of you have been with me from the beginning of my past year and several are new additions to my email updates. I have received wonderful replies that have been nothing short of truly inspirational; from "Dana, you are being pursued by God" to "God is intimately aware of your presence". Statements like these give a whole new meaning to my trials. From the very beginning, I have felt that there is a greater purpose to my road and through my readings I have come to the conclusion that people suffer (not necessarily with pain, but are tested with circumstances) for the following reasons:
 1) To know God intimately and to Glorify His name
 2) To bring love into the lives of others, and
 3) To bring families closer together.
With having said this, there is obviously "a degree" to our suffering that is only determined or known by God, and so we persist on our journey. I have been told that my mission is not "surviving" Cancer but "thriving" in spite of Cancer. I have felt that I have been hopeful, but what I feel now had led me to a higher place above Hope. I can't describe this place yet with words, but it is almost a confidence that things will turn out OK. I have been "at peace" lately but still fearful, and now, after receiving some healing blessings last week, I feel better. I have a tough time feeling the words of God because my "wants to be healed" are so strong that when I get messages that are consistent with what I want, then I think that the origin of those thoughts must be me.  However, I am now entertaining the notion that healing is what God wants for me as well. I feel vulnerable in mentioning this but am driven to write it anyway. Perhaps my Hope will help someone else with their own struggle. To me, that is still the bigger picture, Who am I meant to touch? Who amongst us has not felt hopeless at some point? Who amongst us has not felt overwhelmed by a temporary circumstance? Perhaps someone can draw from my Hope and get through their own personal trial?, thereby placing a meaning to my journey.  I don't mind making this journey as long as I know that I am helping someone else. Every Cancer survivor I have ever met, has felt this way. There is something that happens to you once you have Cancer, you become part of a larger family-- a family bound by a common thread- "survival".

The Leprechaun - March 17, 2006

The evening of March 17, 2006 was rainy, damp and the cold surrounded the house from all sides. The girls had come home from school and were still excited about the stories of Leprechauns that they had been told that day. These magical little men would appear on March 17th and if you caught one, you would be granted a wish for his release.

When I came home from work I could see them scurrying around the house looking in all the shadowy corners and under all of the bulky furniture in their tireless search. My niece, Victoria, who had offered to stay with us during this difficult time had gone out and bought some chocolate coins that were wrapped with gold foil. She would hide them in various spots and as one of the girls found one, she would shout to the other the location of her treasure. They searched for hours as they methodically went from room to room seeking that evasive, little man. The last room that they searched was our bedroom. By this time it was beginning to look like a hospital room with over twenty opened and unopened boxes of medical supplies neatly aligned in front of the dresser. They looked in each of the boxes, eyeing their mother who was beginning to breathe faster by this time. It was the beginning of chain stoking, that quick, pulsing breathing pattern that signals the end of life in this world is approaching. After about what seemed like hours, they ran out of the room and into their bedroom to consume the remaining gold coins that the leprechauns had left.

It was time for bed now, they performed their accustomed brushing of teeth and washing their hands and face and then  bounced back into their bedroom, fueled by what seemed to me as hundreds of chocolate coins.  They could hardly contain themselves as they continued to bounce from wall to wall while they were singing over and over ... Mr. Leprechaun, where are you? I want to find you. Come out, come out, wherever you are.

My head ached from the noise and the knowledge of what the breathing could mean. I prayed. It wasn't too late for a miracle, I spoke to God again on this night. I knew God as we had been praying for many, many years and on that night as I begged, and pleaded, and offered everything in my possession ... myself, my house, my car, I searched for his presence. I felt panicky as these thoughts were going through my head. Many thoughts were going through my head all at once it seemed. I was feeling uneasy, then calm, then completely panicked. As I gained control, I quickly dismissed these feelings as inexplicable sensations caused by some chemical imbalance in my over stimulated brain, ... but they left me feeling fearful. I hurriedly went to check on the girls as they were quieter now and we said the Lord's prayer and a prayer for Mom to get better. They asked when Mom was going to die. I told them the truth as delicately as I could; that I didn't exactly know, and I added that it wouldn't be tonight. It would be soon though. 

The week before, Dana and I had a long conversation ... it was THE conversation. She felt that her struggle was ending and she wanted to rest. She was tired, very, very tired. I knew she was tired and I tried to give her some hope by promising to take care of the girls. I offered that God was ever powerful and I knew that he was watching over her. Never doubt, never doubt now, not now, now is not the time to doubt, not now, don't doubt... trust in the Lord. We talked to a grief counselor about how we should break the news to the girls. Her recommendation was to take them somewhere that we did not often frequent, a park or restaurant. She recommended that we hold them too and that we let them cry as much as they wanted. Other than the taking them somewhere outside of the home, Dana and instinctively knew to hold then and to let them cry, but it felt good to be have that bit of assurance that we were doing something right.

We drove to them to Logan Park which was the longest 1.23 miles that I have ever driven in my entire life. My heart was pounding in my chest and my head was throbbing. My fingers were numb for some reason and I began to pray once more between words in the conversations. The weather that day was cool but the sun would make its appearance every now and then and when the sun shone there was warmth ... and hope? There was always hope. Not until I saw her cold body would I give up hope. I knew that God offered hope for everyone.  The girls  ran off to the play equipment and we picked out a picnic bench and Dana and I sat together as we planned how we were going to break the news to the girls.

After about twenty minutes of discussing this heart wrenching subject, we hugged and kissed and said it was time. I looked in her eyes and I saw disappointment, my heart ached for her. I felt so much love and admiration for this woman who I was honored to call my wife. I called the girls over and we asked them to sit down that we had something to tell them. I believe that they already knew.

Dana spoke first, " Girls, Abby, Jenny ... you know that I have been sick. Well, I am not getting better. I probably won't be getting better. I am going to die."

We all immediately scrambled to hold each other as this hammer of words struck us all in the heart. I felt that I needed to be stronger than I have ever been. I felt so sorry for Dana and I felt so much love for her, more than I have ever felt for anyone in my entire life. I looked at Abby and Jenny and opened my heart as we cried, all in each others arms.  Dana openly cried a lot. She had never openly cried.

Abby asked, "When?, Why?"

Jenny asked, " How come your going to die? You go to the doctor."

I answered Jenny, "Doctors don't always have the right medicine and they don't always know what to do."

Jenny continued, " But God loves Mommy, doesn't he?"

Dana answered, " Yes he does and sometimes God has things planned that we don't always know. Sometimes, he wants us with him."

Abby pleaded, " Don't Go, Mommy. We want you too."

Then she grabbed Jenny and they both sobbed as Dana held both girls as tightly as she was capable for a very long, long time. 

As I watched my family, I prayed for a miracle, then I prayed for strength and then I prayed just to have something to do. My brain was fully engaged with hundreds of thoughts that were multiplexed. As one thought registered, I focused on another, over and over. There were so many things that needed to be done, so many painful things that were going to have to be done.

We were all drained when we got back home that afternoon, but the girls bounced back ever so quickly as soon as they ate something and surrounded themselves with their toys. I tried to bounce back as quickly. Dana did some cleaning in the kitchen  and then she lay on the couch. I sat next to her and took off her socks to rub her feet. I had  developed an interest in acupressure and for a few years had massaged her feet almost every night. It gave us a chance to talk and it gave me a feeling that I was doing something to help. I felt that her body would heal itself if it had the right energy paths. She said it felt good.

I tucked the girls in again as their niece had made sure that their needs were taken care of before retiring to bed herself. Victoria was a big help to us all. She had read them a story as well and managed to calm them down somehow, despite the chocolate induced energy rush and left them with visions of pots of gold, and little green men waiting to be captured while she continued to promote the legend of THE LEPRECHAUN.

Then, I hurriedly climbed into bed and hugged Dana while she snuggled with me. I liked spooning with her and for that short time, those wonderful minutes, I felt there was peace. Her breathing relaxed and I felt assured that God was listening to me ... that he was listening to us all. There was still time for a miracle.

I had dozed off to sleep and was comfortable when I felt my older daughter tugging at my arm.

Abby worriedly shouted, " Dad, Jenny's crying and she won't stop."

I got up out of bed as fast as I could and ran to see what was the matter.

I picked Jenny up and held her and kissed her as she continued to cry. I asked her what was the matter?

Between sobs she answered, " I didn't find a LEPRECHAUN."

Whew, I was relieved that this was the reason.

Then she continued, " I didn't find a LEPRECHAUN and now Mommy is going to die.  I wanted to wish that she would be cured, but I didn't couldn't find him. I looked and looked."

My heart was breaking ... again, but then I thought ... Dana is not dead yet, so I took the girls into our bedroom and we sat on the bed as I woke Dana. It took about 5 minutes of gentle prodding as she struggled to consciousness. Then she sat up and the entire look on her face changed. Her cheeks became full again, her breathing was not labored, her color was normal as she began to speak.

What's wrong girls? Dana asked.

I didn't find a LEPRECHAUN and now I'm afraid you are going to die because I wanted to wish for a cure for you, but we couldn't find one, Jenny answered with tears in her eyes. Abby cried out that she had looked too ... and then they started to argue back and forth about who had looked the hardest.

Dana calmed them down after listening to the bantering and she spoke to them with the quiet strength that GOD had given her ...    

  (to be continued) 

Dana is still wanted,
 she is still missed,
and she is still loved by us all,
 her family.